Oh, Canada;

Have I told you lately how much I love you?  You’re staggering around with election fever – again.  Your immune system is down, I’d say.  You need to get your head examined.  That good ol’ u.s. of a. has backed right up into your sinuses.  We’re all ‘muricans now, eh?

Do you want to see my ballot? I don’t *think* it’s illegal to show it to you …

The first thing you might notice is how simple it is – a list of names and party associations and an empty circle beside each one.  You use the pencil to indicate (by way of an X in the circle beside your choice) which person you’re willing to send off to opine/vote/abstain on your behalf regarding many serious legislative matters about which you remain generally ignorant/fixed in your opinion.

I won’t lie.  I have a pretty fixed opinion about our Prime Sinister Harper.  I’ve got a job for him if he’s interested, but it isn’t running the whole country.  There’s a midtown coffee hole just down the road that’s been closed for months now.  He could really manage the life out of it, I’d reckon.  He could pour smug all over people, squeeeeeeeze the future of our children for loose change and blame the homeless.  I’m just saying … he lacks a certain … mmm … human quality.

Oh, I don’t mean to suggest he isn’t human!  A great many of his apparent qualities are tragically common among human beings.  He’s also a liar.  We wouldn’t be under the weather like this if he wasn’t.  We’ve all noticed how the people who follow him around to do his bidding are generally forbidden to speak. These standard vows of silence might have something to do with what they say when they think no one’s listening! Innuendo over the body of a fallen soldier, drunken Indian bon mots and listeria jokes?!  He’s got no choice but to seal the yaps of his faithful, bumbling minions with his big cold clammy bully paws.  Those minions are drafty in the head!  They’ll say anything for a giggle! Inside voice… inside voice! Stay cozy in those soft, blue sweater-vests, Steve-o!  Kittens love them!

Sigh.  He’s just not my type and the company he keeps at work is rather disappointing; that’s all I’m saying.

Jack.  Layton, buddy, you’re just too Layton.  Yes, sure … there is an infinite chain of causation and truly, you and I and all else including Steve-o are but pearls of dew drying on meta-cosmic grass, but HEY!  If not for your madcap grasp at a few more straws in the House of Ill Repute, by which I mean that last rousing game of musical chairs we played way back in ’07 at YOUR behest – we *might not* be in this mess.  We *might never have had to* hear the words “Right Honourable Prime Minister” uttered in the same breath as Stephen Harper. The new strong?  Srsly?  Are you for real?  Thanks for … nothing,
Jack.

Mister Duceppe …? Neither you nor any of your Bloc Quebecois appear to be on my ballot … hmmm … Oh.  Right.  You are “the only party which can adequately represent the interests of Quebecers in Ottawa”, and, ultimately, the best way to achieve this is to move inexorably, glacially toward another carefully crafted question about leaving the country and taking “your land“ with you. Federal monies are spent to assist you in this mission.  Well, that’s just great.  Je me souviens aussi … good luck with that.

Elizabeth!  Lady May!  I love Polar Bears and people too!  I think you’re terrific.    It was quite interesting to watch Steve-o and Jack get all persnickety about you joining their little debate-thing and then didn’t you just steal the show and pull their little boyz club rug out from under ‘em, eh?  High-five, girlfriend!!!!  Anyway, you impress the heck out of me, but I’m not going to vote for the Green Party either.  Even if my choice doesn’t win the seat, their party still gets a buck-seventy-five with my vote on it. That would seem like a good reason to vote Green, but I’m going to do you one better and send you TEN bucks in a pretty, 100% recycled, home-made card.  Bob Rae is running in my riding.  Nobody on this ticket can beat his crazee piano-stylings.  Nobody.  Yer a maverick, Bob Rae, that’s what you are!!

Ok.  I’m ready now…

I did it.

I

voted

Liberal.

Why did I do it?  Bob Rae didn’t need my vote, right? Probably not, no. I did it for Stephan Dion. My Dad says he’s a jack@$$.  My Dad is a great guy who happens to get excited about politics and hockey games and whatnot.  Like father – like daughter, I guess.   I called my folks last week to make a last-ditched pitch for Mr. Dion but alas, alack, they had cast their ballots already in the advance poll.  So… I called Harper a “robot” and he called Dion a “jack@$$”, and that was that.  My mother reminded me not to ask questions if you don’t want to know the answers.

I don’t know if Dion could really live up to my wildest dreams about responsible government. I DO know that in my humble estimation, the other options will fall pretty short of that mark.  Some will fall short for lack of popular support, others for lack of evidence, smug-others for lack of empathy.

I like Dion’s way with English. I’m honoured by it. It is evidence of his struggle, willingness and determination to explain something to me – in his own words (which is more than I can say for some people …).
Grinding away at the fact that Dion speaks English as a second language is shallow and mean-spirited.  You might argue that as a teacher of English as a second language I have a special knack for sifting through a difficult accent.  Perhaps…

It’s called listening, people!  If you actually cared as deeply as you say you do, you would listen carefully, thoughtfully and critically to what the man has to say, investigate it and come to your own conclusions.  Your own conclusions should not be confused with those regurgitated by others; they should be real, bona fide conclusions of your very own based upon your own understanding of his thoughts and intentions as they are expressed by himself (as opposed to that version of him generated by his opponents and the media).

Lack of fluency couldn’t hold back the tough guy from Shawinigan, eh?  Ah.  Toughness.  You want a tough Prime Minister? Me?  I want a smart, thoughtful Prime Minister who will answer questions honestly and earnestly, be forthright about their priorities and solutions and an open minded partner in constructive communication and cooperative problem solving WITH the strength of her/his convictions.  Dare to dream, non?

I know what you’re thinking.  My vote makes no sense to you.  None but one of the people I’ve written about here are even on my ballot, and I haven’t said a word about the Marxist-Leninist Party of Canada!  Who or what the heck is the AAEV?!” Harper supporters should understand this better than anyone – your local Conservative stormtrooper M.P. isn’t the decider, Harper’s the decider!

Say what you will about the more enlightened disinterest of voting for one of the names on the list – I wasn’t born 18 years ago.  I’m no starry-eyed virgin voter.  I’ve done this a few times, and I know the score.

In a system where the head cheese has the divine right of kings to close debate and call for voting/abstention on a whim – I’ll cast my little scrap of sanctified paper for the one least likely to decapitate the exercise of my civil franchise, either by accident or ON PURPOSE.

I love you, Canada.  The polls just closed in my neck of the woods … I really don’t know how this whole thing is going to turn out.  I’m too scared to guess.  I’ll have one eye squeezed shut while peeking through a lot of fingers with the other eye, gawping at the spectacle, just like I do when I watch horror movies.

I hope I don’t have nightmares.